the friday night defuse.

after years of exciting action-packed friday nights, i knew it couldnt last forever. this friday i stayed in and watched MTV News: Iraq Uploaded, cleaned the apt, went to the grocery store, paid bills, laundry - its all pretty pedestrian.

i think my preference for dark beers is whats making me fat. tomorrow im going to comic con. im starting to like living down here and getting used to it, but i gotta move again in 3 weeks. good thing i dont have anything here except a computer and a bed.

from george: (who is also in front of his computer on a friday night)


"Everything with you is all about business these days." Ouch.

It was like 2 daggers in my back. Like Jerry Maguire saying "jump into my nightmare, the water is warm". Worst fear came true. I spend so much time in this skin that like Donnie Brasco, "I'm not pretending to be them, I am them." I spend 90% of my time in business casual now, what do you expect? I deal with shady, fucked up, results minded people everyday. They don't give a fuck about you. I grew tough skin, I had to protect myself. I adapted. Picked up a thing here and there about strategic thinking, debate, and aggressiveness that I use to hold my ground now. A slight bit of selfishness have saved my ass many a time from being abused. The nice guy syndrome. And guess what, its worked. Its helped me function better in the corporate environment.

But then I want to peel the skin off, but it sticks. I never really know if its just seeping in. I get a little paranoid and self-conscious.

I picked up alot of idealism in undergrad, but I've been able to use very little in the real world. Once I entered grad school and beyond, I realized the true power and necessity of economic forces. None of us can escape from this force. All of us must make payments, put food on the table, support the family etc. We all work to make ends meet. Idealism has to wait a little now while I deal with the realities of how I'm going to save enough to put a down payment on a house. And while I think through how best to invest my time and money everyday. The reality of adult life is that no one cares and no one is going to help you, therefore to obtain a slice of that dream you thought you were entitled to since high school, you have to help yourself. And so I work, and skin gets tough. But the people out there are tougher.

"You've changed."

Maybe a little, but not much. Most of me is the same, I just have a better way of dealing with the outside world. Growth is also change, maturation is also change, and those are positive things - it means I'm developing as an individual, into an adult. Change is the only constant in the universe. Allow me to cite evolution as an example. Change is a function of time, and time stops for no one. I'm old enough to know who I am, and those that know me know I am extremely value and principle driven. Those will never change.

I've rambled enough.


this weekend felt like one of those dreams where you revisit high school or college and nothing has changed. what an awesome weekend.

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